Funny Slogans


Advertisement In A Long Island Shop:

Guitar, for sale........ Cheap............no strings attached..

Ad In Hospital Waiting Room:

Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!

On a bulletin board:

Success Is Relative. The more The Success, The more The Relatives

When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...

I Gave Up Reading.

My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses...

He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.

You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When:

Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick..

Or when your Son starts To wipe It Off.

Sign In A Bar:

'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please do Pay In Advance.'

Sign In Driving School:

If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.

Behind Every Great Man,

There Is A Surprised Woman.

The Reason Men Lie Is Because

Women Ask too Many Questions.

Getting Caught

Is The Mother Of Invention.

Laugh And The World Laughs With You,

Snore And You sleep Alone.

The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe

Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.

Sign At A Barber's Saloon In Detroit:

We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business.

A Traffic Slogan:

Don't Let Your Kids Drive If They are Not Old Enough

Or Else They Will Never Be.

Sign In A Restaurant:

All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.

Sign On A Famous Beauty Parlor Window:

Don't Whistle At The Girls Going Out From Here.

She May Be Your Grandmother !

Indian goes shopping...



THIS ONE IS FUNNY



...
An Indian goes to Australia and goes to Woolworths (A grocery store in Australia). He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.
The Manager gets suspicious.. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. The Indian goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.
Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out.
The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks the Indian to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food.
The Sardar goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.
Next week the Indian comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag.
The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and immediately takes it out. He shouts at the Indian, What the F*** is this? Is this shit you Idiot?
The Indian calmly replies, “Yes, and I want to buy toilet paper.”

Sperm Count!

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 75 year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 75-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day..

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

Howard

An Arkansas Farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened the door.

"Is yer paw home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well, said the farmer, is yer maw here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with paw."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with maw and paw."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely.
"I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one.
Or maybe I could take a message fer paw."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer paw. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You woul d have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."